Restoring Love and Respect to Your Relationship
Mutual expressions of love and respect probably came from both you and your partner automatically and easily early in your relationship. But over time these positive exchanges may have dwindled. Eventually your relationship may have become so hostile that you only have a vague memory of when it was better. You may be too defensive to readily show affection to your spouse. And respect? He/she doesn’t’ deserve it. “My partner doesn’t deserve my respect,” you might say. Or you might reflect, “I don’t know the last time I felt any love from my partner.” The Righteous Brothers expressed the pain and grief well, “You’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’, now it’s gone, gone, gone and I can’t go on wo-ah wo, wo.”
Can you get back that lovin’ feelin’? YES! But You’ll face a major roadblock: You and your partner are very likely stuck on “this for that.” What I mean is that, you both know how to treat each other well, but you hesitate to do more than you are currently doing because your partner isn’t giving back. You may be right about this, or you my not. But a partner often believes he/she is giving more than the other. Then it becomes very hard to give any more. “I’m tapped out,” you might say. But you’ll have to stop keeping a record of who is giving more or less and just do what will promote mutual fondness and admiration in your relationship.
Although my hope is that BOTH of you begin to show a great deal more mutual fondness and admiration and a great deal less criticism and defensiveness, for now you must only be concerned with the amount of love and respect YOU are giving.
So, here are some tips for increasing your love and respect for your partner:
• Keep a watchful eye for anything your partner does that you like. Write it down. Keep a list. Review it every day.
Your partner may do something for you, maybe even out of habit or begrudgingly, but nonetheless something you can appreciate. You may have discounted these things in the past because they were done routinely. But they go on the list. They may be things your partner does for someone else: for a friend or for your children. It goes on the list. Don’t be stingy. Put anything on the list that you can appreciate or that someone else might notice and appreciate.
•Next, make a list of the positive qualities possessed by your partner. Write them down. Keep adding to the list. Review it every day.
Your partner has a number of positive qualities. They may be physical, intellectual, interpersonal, or part of a skill set. Pick three qualities from the list below and write a sentence about how each quality represents your partner.
Assertive adaptive attentive humble joyful
Available beautiful capable loving nice laugh
Confident courteous deliberate likable manly
Decisive effective eager mindful meticulous
Fit hilarious happy musical loyal
Protective powerful purposeful quiet respectful
Radiant ready stable serene soothing
Supportive talented virtuous muscular youthful
•DON’T (yes, there is one “don’t”) focus on the negatives AND DON’T judge how your spouse is doing compared to you (You are right, there were actually two “don’ts”).
Your partner does have faults. You can probably name all of them. But this is not the time to enumerate the faults. You need to get some balance. So, just focus on the good stuff. And don’t get into a competition for who is doing most to improve your relationship. That isn’t either loving or respectful. Just do your part.
Once you’ve give yourself over to loving and respecting your partner by focusing on your partner’s strengths and when you’ve abandoned criticism altogether, you are ready for the next step. “What is the next step,” you say?