Do you have a relational Brain?
If you tend to withdraw from relationships or are having difficulty getting your needs met with those who are closest to you, your answer may be,
“not really.
“
But the fact is, you do. Your brain is wired for relationship. True enough, some of the brain circuitry causes you to withdraw. But there are, potentially, many more circuitry systems that draw you to others.
Wiring, circuits, systems? What does it all mean? Psychologist Jaak Panksepp says that it means your brain is set for relationship. You don’t have to make up how you will think, feel, and respond with every new situation. You have pre-set patterns. Panksepp calls these patterns executive operating systems. (EOS)
We will concern ourselves with two primary brain sections: cortical and subcortical. The cortical region (outer brain) is found in humans and other mammals. It is the thinking or cognitive part of your brain. It isn’t very developed at birth, but develops circuits with experience and memory. On the other hand, Pankcepp found that there are systems that don’t require the thinking cortical region. They operate in the subcortical region of the brain. The subcortical region lies beneath the outer layers of the cortex. It is the white matter of the brain. Pankcepp found that there are circuits made up of mostly neural receptors organized into “systems.” These are the Emotion Operating Systems.
You have several EOSs that draw you into relationship. Each EOS is present as the brain develops in the womb but is influenced by your thoughts and feelings and patterns of behavior over time. Separately and collectively, each of the seven EOS proposed byPankcepp draw us to others and into strong emotional bonds with them. Let’s look at each one.
SEEKING
Seeking is the granddaddy of the Emotion Operating Systems. It is active in nearly everything we do throughout the day. Every motivation is born from the SEEKING system. For example, thirst motivates us to find something to satisfy our thirst, hunger to find food, fatigue to find rest, and on and on. Relationally, SEEKING causes us to find and foster relationship with others.
CARE
This system produces spontaneous feelings of warmth, tenderness,
and concern for others. When your CARE circuits are operating, you have urges to act in nurturing ways toward others. When working well, this system serves you in caring for and protecting your own.
PANIC
You probably wouldn’t think of panic as part of a relational brain. In the usual meaning of the word you would be right. But PANIC refers to something quite different than a panic attack. I can describe it best to you by telling you a personal story.
Late one summer over 35 years ago now I developed a huge crush for a beautiful young woman. We began a romance. I thought about her every moment we were apart and enjoyed every minute we were together.
About 2 months into that enraptured time her company sent her out of town for two weeks of training. That was the longest two weeks of my life! No email, no text messaging, no cell phones (hard to imagine such a time). In evening long-distance phone contacts I quoted poems, read her essays on love, and generally stumbled all over my love for her.
The night she returned from that trip I asked her to marry me. Now that is PANIC. PANIC kicks in with separation from important persons or circumstances. Feelings include variations of loneliness, sadness, and disappointment. Thoughts are preoccupied with making contact and urges to gain comfort from the connection.
In case you were wondering, she said, “yes” and we just celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. I still experience PANIC whenever we are separated. Shakespear said that absence makes the heart grow fonder. That’s PANIC.
PLAY
The PLAY system creates an urge to interact vigorously and spontaneously with others. Emotions include joy or delight, and thoughts are generally positive. Men do this when they spar verbally. Flirtation with the opposite sex also reflects PLAY.
PLAY actually causes the release of chemicals in the brain that promote social bonding, creativity, experimentation, and physical healing.
LUST
Need I say more? This system produces feelings of sexual arousal, thoughts toward sexual fulfillment, and urges to engage in sexual activity.
Well, that’s the good news. When healthy, your brain promotes connection with others through these four systems. The bad news is that there are also two systems that push others away. That leads us to another discussion: The Anti-Relational Brain.