Relationship Elements for Our Closest Connections

Three relationship elements characterize most of your social bonds. Your family, friends, and closest relationships can be described by one or more of these factors. I think you’ll find this model useful in understanding your relationships, what makes them healthy, and why you may be having relationship problems. So, let’s take a look. We’ll consider the three elements one at a time. But first let’s look at the big picture.

The Three Relationship Elements in A Triangular Theory of Love

This three-part model was presented by psychologist Robert Sternberg in his classic article, A Triangular Theory of Love, published in 1986. The three elements are 1) commitment, 2) intimacy, and 3) passion. At least one of these elements is present at some level in your most significant relationships. The person in relationship with you also has some level of one or more of these factors in his or her relationship with you. But for now, let’s just think about your side of the equation. Okay, now let’s take them one at a time.

Commitment

The first of the relationship elements, commitment, refers to a decision to maintain connection with the other person. Sternberg refers to commitment as loving leading to the decision to maintain that love. You can think of commitment as one aspect of love that, by itself, may not include a lot of emotion. I think this is what people mean when they say, “I still love you, but I’m not in love with you.” You may have some relationships in which commitment is the only relationship element present. For example, you may be committed to your employer, but not be emotionally attached. In fact, you may be committed to family members, but not feel close to them. In some cases, commitment standing alone is normal. But in your closest relationship, healthy interaction would include more than just commitment.

Intimacy

You could call intimacy, “emotional closeness.” You certainly want intimacy to be strong in your marriage and closest relationships. You want to be loved, admired and respected by your partner. And, I assume, you want to admire and respect your partner in return. You want to stand up for your partner and closest friends. You hope they are always in your corner too.

Intimacy may exist without commitment an passion in some of your relationships. You may give up intimacy in a friendship for the sake of your closest relationship. Or you may move a great distance apart from a friend and be unable to maintain the intimacy that you once had. So the commitment diminishes with the lack of contact.

However, if intimacy is missing from your marriage or closest relationships, something is wrong. The relationship will suffer. And intimacy needs to be shared in your relationship. “How can two walk together unless they agree?” Love, respect, sharing, and good will has to work both ways for your intimacy to be healthy.

Passion

The third of the relationship elements is passion. You can think of it as romance or sexual desire. Passion is what probably ignited your marriage or most significant relationship. Passion serves many relationship needs. If it stands alone in a relationship without intimacy and commitment, the relationship isn’t healthy.

Comedian Jeff Foxworthy makes the joke, “If a man hasn’t had sex in over five years, he is either gay or married.” Probably not very politically correct, his statement is a humorous, but sad commentary on our society on a number of levels. But it points to the truth that passion tends to wane with time in your marriage. However, passion is important to your closest relationship. Strong passion added to a strong commitment and strong intimacy makes for a healthy relationship. If either you or your partner is weak in one or more of the three elements, relationship problems may develop.

Now think about your relationships. Are all three relationship elements strongly present in your marriage? Do your other relationships with friends and family have the right elements present? If you were to use a triangle to show the measure of each element in a relationship, would your triangle match your partner’s?

I hope this model was helpful to you. There is much more for you to consider. So, please keep reading or return soon. Have questions or comments? Contact me.

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