Disagreements
Let’s start with two principles and then I’ll give you one communication strategy for discussing any issue of disagreement in your marriage. First principle…
Principle: Relationship Trumps Issue
I hope you are in this relationship for the relationship and not for money, power, prestige, sex, or any number of other possible benefits your marriage might offer. But assuming you married a person and not what the. Person has to offer, then our next task is to understand what relationship is. (I realize that many people are catapulted into marriage by physical attraction. But hopefully you had or found a deeper connection.)
The meaning of the word relationship is “to give the shape of strength.” Two are better than one; iron sharpens iron; the two become one flesh. You are united, connected and you build each other up to become, as much as possible, one.
Now I realize this is an ideal and I will address that in a separate principle below. But for now, keep in mind the main directive. If you come to a disagreement and realize that either you or your partner are moving away from the main directive, that is, to strengthen each other and build unity, then STOP. Always discuss disagreements from the perspective of the main directive.
Tip: Time Out
Time-outIf you are going to keep relationship in front of issue, you will need some sort of signaling strategy to let your partner know when you see you are getting off track. I’ve heard of several of these strategies. Examples include holding up a red or green card to indicate “stop” or “go.” Just saying, “We are in a red zone” might work. Holding up a hand and saying “stop” might work. The most common is calling a “Time Out.” But however you work it out, you need to work out a system at a time when you aren’t having a disagreement. So, take the time to discuss “rules of engagement.” For a worksheet that will help you as a couple set up a Time Out plan – click here.
Nobody’s Perfect
Principle number 2 is that you are not going to do this perfectly and neither is your partner. Emotions can run high very quickly and emotional damage can occur before you even realize a way out. So give yourself and your partner grace when this happens. Apologies are good. But you need to work toward keeping emotions at a manageable level and apologies to a minimum. If criticism, defensiveness, and antagonism rule in your marriage communication, then you need to work on your method and develop a new guiding principle..
"I" and "You" Statements
This is a communication tip. It is an easy strategy to understand on the surface, but really quite difficult to practice. But here is the basic idea.
The word, “You,” should always be followed by a positive statement. “You light up my life.” “You are beautiful.” “You are right.” When you say, “You,” your partner should believe you are sincere and feel better about themselves. Usually in defensive and emotionally driven disagreements “you” is followed by blame, criticism, and even name-calling. Used in this way, no resolution to the disagreement is likely to be reached. There may be a winner, but relationship will suffer.
“I” sentences should be used to take responsibility. If you can find responsibility for even a small portion of the problem or disagreement, then take it and let your partner know by using an “I” statement. “You are right, I was wrong to say that,” is an example of how to use “you” and “I” appropriately.
Now this is very difficult in practice. I’ve heard clients try to use an “I” statement by saying something like, “I feel hurt by what you said.” This sounds like an assertive statement learned in a class on assertiveness somewhere. But it is really a thinly disguised “you” statement that might sound something like, “Youintentionally hurt me, you calloused meanie.” Whether you are skilled in your use of “I” and “You” or not, if you or your partner aren’t feeling’ the love, then you will likely need to table the discussion. When your relationship gets in better condition and the trust levels are higher, you may be able to tolerate poorly managed communication and still come to a reasonable conclusion. But if you aren’t there, give attention to building your relationship. And, if necessary, contact me or another counselelor to help you develop an effective process for resolving issues.
Final Word
“I need to say that my husband and I, we don’t argue,” Myrtle Greens, 94 told The Epoch Times. “We communicate with each other.”
Myrtle and Albert Greens have been married for 75 years, “And we’ve been together for 75 years,” Myrtle said. “We have never, never been separate, not by one day.”
Apart from communication being the foundation of their long-lasting marriage, Myrtle stresses the significance of respect for and understanding each other
As to how they handle disagreements if and when it ever arises, Myrtle said: “I listen to him when he has something to say, I give my opinion. And he does the same.” And then they come to an agreement.
Albert, who echoes the same sentiment as his wife, said: “We don’t use profanity either.”
The couple also shared advice for the younger generation about how to maintain a healthy and happy relationship.
“Be honest and be nice,” Myrtle said. “Don’t ever go to bed angry. Even though you might be angry, say goodnight
The above was excerpted from an article by Deksha Devnani. For the full article – click here.